Enhancers and Diminishers

A concept that I like to discuss is that of Enhanced and Diminishers. The idea presented itself to me one morning during my walk. I was having a great morning, about 2 miles into my walk when the phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID, saw who the caller was, and instantly became agitated. My happiness level had gone from high to low in a matter of rings. The power of the walk was over. I was snapped back into reality. Unfortunately, once the call had ended, I could not regain the peaceful bliss I was experiencing before the call. You may wonder why I answered the call. Why not just send it to voice mail and call them back at another time? These are very valid questions, and I wish I knew the answer, but nine times out of ten, I answer. This will be a topic to contemplate on another blog. However, there are also occasions when I get a text or a call and become excited and energized by the conversation. So what gives? 

In thinking about these events, I determined that there are Enhancers and Diminishers in our Life. Since then, I have presented this idea to my friends and colleagues, and it always leads to insightful discussions. Of course, the concept itself evolves, but the principle never changes. Before getting into the weeds, there are a few things I would like to point out. 

For a person to be considered a Dimisher or Enhancer, they must hold an important place in your Life. You may care about them as a person, and their opinions matter to you, whether you want to admit it or not. They may be friends, co-workers, or lovers, but most often, they are your family members. Second, not everyone in your Life should be labeled as an Enhancer or a Diminisher; the bulk of people are a little of both, and we will call them "Normal." A true Enhancer or Dimisher will fall on both sides of a bell curve with everyone else in the middle. Lastly, an Enhancer can diminish your Life at times just as well as a Diminisher can occasionally Enhance your Life; it's just not the norm when that happens. I would consider it out of character. So, who are these people, and how can they be identified? 

Enhancers:

Enhancers provide you with energy. You are drawn to these people because any time you are around them, you feel like a better person. They open the windows of your soul and let the cool air move the tension from your mind. They are the sunshine that shows up after the storm. You would be thrilled to spend a summer exploring Europe with them or just as happy sitting on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea. They are your muse. You smile when you hear their name. When you tell them you're going to run for president, they say, “You’re amazing, what a great idea. Can I be your campaign manager?” (Ok, maybe a little much, and I got carried away with the visual imagery, but you get the point.) They raise your happiness level every time they show up in your Life. They vibrate at a high frequency. Their job is to tell you can and you should. 

Diminishers

Diminishers take your energy. So, anytime you are required to engage with them, your defenses are up. You become anxious for no reason. You would prefer to talk to AT&T tech support than to them. Your goal is to end the interaction and move on as quickly as possible. Simply stated, these people can be exhausting. They can suck the Life right out of you; they feel (right or wrong) that you need to see the "truth" and that not all of Life is sunshine and puppies. Whatever you thought was a good idea 5 minutes ago, there are fixing to show you why it's not. They see the negative. That promotion you just got... it will put you in a higher tax bracket. You're going to exercise? I had a friend that just dropped dead at the gym. Diet? How about just put the cupcakes down next time? Diminishers know what buttons to push and seem to enjoy pushing them. You would love to avoid them altogether, but you can't because of who they are and the role they play in your Life. They vibrate at a low frequency. Their job is to tell you can't and you shouldn't.

Both of these types of people serve a function in our lives and add balance. Therefore, we should be thankful for both. For example, one of the most difficult bosses I’ve had made me a better person when everything was said and done. If everyone agreed with me about how great I am, I would quickly become delusional, and if everyone told me how stupid I was, then. I would never excel. I believe strongly in a self-fulfilling prophecy and that we have the ability to influence others' happiness with our words and actions. Diminishers force me to think through things a little deeper and try to find answers to questions before they're asked. Do I like that about them? Hell No! It drives me nuts, but it is necessary. So if we can agree that they are essential in our Life, then how do we live with them while maintaining some level of contentment and happiness?

First, it is essential to understand that it's not personal, it's a personality type. A good example can be found in the DISC Personality survey. A "C" personality type (Conscientiousness) is Analytical by nature; it is in their DNA to look for the downside and to question. A “D” (Dominance) is strong-willed and forceful, they do not and will not back off. On the opposite end is an 'I" Personality. They are optimistic and enthusiastic. The glass will always be half full. Lastly we have the “S” (Steadiness) these guys are patient and humble. Everybody needs an S in their life. So, consider the idea that maybe they’re not trying to bust your balls; they are just being themselves the only way they know how to. I’m sure you make them as tired as they make you.

Second, limit the space you give them in your day and your head. Once they have rained on your parade, you will need to briefly reflect on their comments and answer these questions: Is what they said true? Is there anything I should do differently? And lastly, do I care? If you answered yes to these questions, then make the changes and let it go. You and you alone can control how much space they have in your head.

When you need to speak with them, try to do it when you're up and not when you're down. It is ok to send them to voicemail if necessary and check in with them at a later time when you are more in the mood. Remember, they take your energy, so make sure you have plenty of it before the encounter. 

Avoid the fight; your nature will be to get defensive and point out their negative traits. No need; you will not change their mind nor yours.

Lastly and most importantly, find at least 3 Enhancers in your Life for every Diminisher. Dr. Barbara Fredickson found in her research at Berkely that a ratio of at least three-to-one—three positive emotions for every negative emotion—serves as a tipping point, which will help determine whether you languish in Life, are barely holding on, or flourish, living a life ripe with possibility, remarkably resilient to hard times. You may want to read that sentence one more time. It's a big deal.

In summary, the goal of this article was to help you identify Demishers and Enhancers in your Life. Overall, your goal is to increase Enhancers and decrease Diminishers. Even though the negative people in our Life do serve a purpose, they can also destroy your passion and your zest if you allow them to. To equalize the negative effect, you need a ratio of three positive people to every one negative. If you find diminishers in your Life that serve no fundamental role or are becoming toxic, please let them go and move on. Life is short. 

Now answer this question. Are you an Enhancer or a Diminisher in someone else's Life?

Update: While at lunch today, I was speaking with a good friend about this article, reflecting on the question about the role I fill in other people's lives. The truth blindsided me. I am both! I think most people would say I am a true Enhancer. To my kids, again, an Enhancer. To my mom, a definite Diminisher. Is it possible the more responsibility we feel for a person, the more we tend to Diminish? Self-reflection can be a b*!tch

Rusty